


Seeking Clarity

by ShadowHachia



Category: Far Cry 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23311831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowHachia/pseuds/ShadowHachia
Kudos: 2





	Seeking Clarity

**Title:** Seeking Clarity  
 **Fandom:** Far Cry 5  
 **Characters:** Natalie Charlyle, Jacob Seed, Emma Sandersson-Seed, Amelia Rivers, Pumpkin, Cain Thompson  
 **Pairing:** n/a  
 **Ratings:** T+  
 **Warnings:** Mild language  
 **Author Notes:** N/A

Natalie hummed as she wiped down a table. Putting all the dirty plates and glasses into a blue bin as she used the wet rag with soap leaking from it to clean up the flat surface. She tossed the rag with the dishes, picked up the bin and walked it over to the kitchen. Music played on the radio behind the counter, she wasn't paying attention to which song was playing but she hummed along to it all the same. She walked into the kitchen, putting the bin of dirty dishes next to the sink. A moment later, someone came by to start cleaning them. 

"Nat, someone's at the counter." A woman called out as she reached for a plate. Food sizzled on the stove, making the most alluring smells as Natalie walked out of the kitchen. She had to make a note to ask Emma for some seconds of whatever she was making.

Natalie walked back out into the restaurant, seeing a familiar face and she just smiled sheepishly. She looked down and cleared her throat, trying to hide her face and recompose herself. Jacob Seed had walked in, with a few Chosen following him. They carefully went towards the booths closest to the windows, to keep an eye out for anyone walking by and to get a better view of the diner's interior. She knew it was just a habit at this point, to always be on your toes like that, but she couldn't help but wonder if it was really necessary. It was a slow afternoon in the middle of the week in the Whitetail Mountains. There wasn't going to be a lot of foot traffic, especially if Jacob and a group of Chosen walked into the building. That'd be a fast way to clear it out or at least make people nervous. He walked towards the counter, pulled out a stool and lifted himself onto it. The cushion, and the legs of the chair, squeaked under his weight. Natalie walked towards him, leaning her arms against the cool counter top.

"The usual?" She asked. He simply nodded and reached for one of the menus near him. Though she pulled a newspaper from under the counter and handed it to him. "Here you go, Boss." He nodded again and started sifting through it instead of the menu.

Natalie walked towards the Chosen, asked for their orders and then gave them to Emma through the window. Natalie then resumed her work from before. She idly looked through her to do list before she started collecting the trash. She went outside, throwing it in the dumpster behind the building, and walking back in to put trash bags in all the empty bins. She walked back over to the counter as she heard Emma calling over some finished orders from the kitchen. She grabbed the plates Emma set out for her and delivered them to the costumers that had entered before Jacob had. After telling them to enjoy their meals, she went behind the counter and wrote in her notepad. Making another list of things to do next or before closing at least.

"How's work?" Jacob asked as he turned the page of the newspaper.

"The same old, same old." She replied, not looking up from her notepad. "There have been a few people this morning that seemed interesting." She set her pencil down to look through some receipts. After a few seconds, she found them and flipped through her notepad again. She found a page with notes about the people she had mentioned. Mostly just striking features they had and the cars they drove. She managed to get a partial plate on one of them and sketched out the bumper sticker of the other. She tore out the paper, folded it and handed it to him. Jacob reached for it and put the paper in his jacket pocket.

"We'll look into it." He said as he continued to read. Her eyes flickered towards him for a moment and she caught him staring behind her. She looked back to see Emma through the kitchen window and decided not to ask. There had always been something weird going on between them from as far as Natalie could tell. They just never got along for whatever reason.

"She's not going to do anything to the food." Natalie said as she looked at her notepad again.

Jacob didn't say anything, just cleared his throat. Without having cause to talk about anything else, she just went back to what she was doing. A half hour passed and Emma was calling up more orders. Natalie grabbed the plates and delivered them to the Chosen sitting near the windows. Then she grabbed the last plate and delivered it to Jacob. He set down the newspaper and began to dig in. After he was done, he paid and left with the Chosen. The afternoon crept by into the evening and soon it was closing time. Emma stayed until a group of Chosen arrived to take her back home. Natalie finished cleaning up then left. She made sure everything was ready for tomorrow when she opened up. For now, it was time to go home.

Once she was home, she fell into her routine. Put out a bowl of leftovers for Pumpkin, went to take a shower, and then heated something up to eat. She wrote in her notebook for a bit before turning in. While she slept, he was haunted by the same nightmare again. One that had tormented her for a while on and off lately. She started having it after joining the Project at Eden's Gate but it had been pretty sparse in reoccurring. Well until lately that is.

A woman with a bright smile was laughing, running through a field of white flowers. Happy as ever and excitement ebbing from her. Natalie was running with her, feeling infected by the contagious happiness seeping from the woman she was following. There was a sense of peace and calm, vulnerability as well. Though it was washed away immediately as a loud snap ricocheted between them. It was as fast and sudden as lightning. It reverberated in Natalie's ears like an evil laughter. The flowers had disappeared and were replaced by a river of blood. She heard screaming and something grabbing her legs, pulling her under the red and foreboding surface. The screaming echoed through her ears, taunting and tormenting her as she tried to swim for the surface. The stray hands that grabbed her weren't going to relent and more joined in, grabbing her arms pulling her further down into the red abyss.

Natalie awoke from the nightmare with a start. Sweat rolled down her face and her breathing was sporadic. She looked around the room as the sun light was streaming through her window. Instinctively, she looked at the farthest corner of the room, seeing a woman with long brown hair. Her light blue eyes looking at Natalie with the lifelessness they were filled with. Whenever that dream came by, the woman was always there. Haunting the same corner and giving her the same cursed look.

Natalie stared at the woman for a moment, staring back at her blank expression before hearing a bark from Pumpkin. She got up and quickly walked past the ghost, speeding past it as fast as she could. She ran into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. As if the ghost was pursuing her. She slid towards the floor, her legs stretching against the smooth surface and across the raggedy cloth of the rug. She felt numb. Like all the life was taken from her by the ghost in her room. She heard a worried whine from outside -- again from Pumpkin. At least she had someone to look out for her when she needed it. She got to her feet and left the bathroom. Walking over to a phone in her kitchen. She dialed a number and waited as it began to ring.

"This is Emma S-Seed, what do you need?" Emma replied, though Natalie noticed the slight hesitation in her voice. Could've been nothing though, it was the start of the day and she was feeling panicked about the ghost again.

"Hey, it's Natalie...? Er... Natalie Charlyle from..." She stammered and cleared her voice to get the morning grogginess out of her throat.

"Hey Nat." Emma replied, sounding chipper then she had moments before. It was as if she were talking to an old friend. "What's going on?"

"I was wondering if you could take over for me today?" Natalie asked. "I'm just feeling a little down today. Actually, it might be a few days? I--"

"Oh, that's no problem." Emma chimed in, sounding eager and excited. Maybe spending all day in a house was as bad as it sounded? Though Natalie couldn't say. "Just gimme a call when you're back from wherever. Oh, are you feeling okay? Sorry if I sound too eager, it's just idle hands and all that."

"Yeah, no I get it." Natalie said nodding. "I'll just be gone for a few days, camping. So, it's just to clear my head."

"I understand." Emma said. "If you need anything, just gimme a call. And I mean just in general. I know it seems like I'm kinda unable to relate to but having someone to talk to about whatever is bothering you, is always good. And I can make whatever you smile about whenever I'm cooking in that kitchen if it makes it better."

"Thanks er... Emma. No really, thanks." Natalie replied. "I just need to clear my head but thanks. I'll give you a call when I come back. Um... if you need anythi-"

"If I need anything, I'll figure it out." Emma interrupted again. Once again, Natalie noticed the sudden excitement in her voice. "Take whatever time you need and I'll be here if you need me. Have fun doing whatever is involved with camping."

"I will and thanks." Natalie said as they ended the call.

She set the phone down and walked back into her room. She changed into some new clothes and started packing for her trip. She grabbed her bag then walked back into the kitchen. She made a few sandwiches, grabbed a few canned goods, some silverware, and double checked to see if she had everything she needed. She swiped a jacket on her way out, slinging both it and the bag's strap over her shoulder. She locked the door and circled around the back of the house, towards the woods. She could hear Pumpkin trailing after her and watched as she walked past her. The mangy white fur looking more coarse than it was yesterday. She could make out some new patches of dried blood, but didn't want to start guessing what the Judge could've been up to in her own time.

Natalie just concentrated on the hike instead. The morning air was brisk, living close to the mountain range in the Whitetail region of Hope County had that effect. She honestly loved it though. It was a little more fresh here than it was in the rest of the county -- in her opinion anyways. She also loved how beautiful the whole area looked, not that the rest of the county didn't have its perks but again, it was her preference. She started humming to herself again as she continued on her way. She saw Pumpkin stop for a moment before running after something. Natalie wasn't too worried about what her companion was up to, she would find her way back sooner or later.

The next few hours were just like this. She continued to hike through the woods, seeing the stray hunter or Whitetail Ranger here and there. She saw a couple of Chosen as well, although she stayed out of their way. She could hear their Judges howling in the distance and that made her feel uncomfortable. Hearing them howl was always jarring. She was glad that Pumpkin was mostly quiet and rarely made a noise unless she felt the need too. Sometimes it was hard to even tell she was around because she was so quiet. Speaking of the devil, Natalie saw Pumpkin appear out of some bushes near by, shaking off the leaves as the white wolf approached her. She stopped to approach the animal, petting her head and contemplated taking a break.

Natalie found a good spot to take a break and decided to eating something. As she remembered that she left her house without really eating anything for breakfast. She took one of the sandwiches out and started eating it after she unraveled it in the plastic bag it was in. She took a couple bites and looked around her surrounding. She was at a picnic spot and could hear kids playing. She even saw them too, playing baseball with one of the old Cougar players in some old team or something. She wasn't entirely sure on the story there but they all looked like they were having fun. She could smell a barbecue, her mouth watering slightly at the sweet smell coming from it.

She found it nearby, a Whitetail ranger was using it to cook something up for the kids. It was a pretty sweet gesture. Although, she was stymied by what she saw behind the Whitetail. It was the ghost from earlier. She stopped chewing for a moment and readjusted to where she was sitting, facing away from the kids, the smell, and everything else. She just decided to keep on eating her lunch. She was almost where she needed to go anyways. The sooner she got there, the better.

Natalie finished her lunch and continued on her way. She kept walking for a while, straying from the people she may come across and just focusing on the spot she was trying to reach. Pumpkin had joined her again or so she could tell by the white blur that popped up in her peripheral. Although, she could see that ghost again in the other corner of her eye. She just kept her eyes forward as she continued. There was no point in running or looking behind her. That ghost would just disappear and she really didn't want to feel that guilt again -- despite it creeping over her in its unwanted fashion. She exhaled as she started on a rocky climb up a hill. The trees around her becoming slightly more sparse the closer she walked towards the mountains.

She spent some of the afternoon climbing hills and up rocky walls. She sat at the edge of a wall she finished scaling and took out her canteen. She took a drink from it and sighed in relief as she took a break. Looking at the beautiful forest below her and feeling slightly awed. Beauty was really in the hard to reach places and she loved that she got to experience it. She reached for her backpack, which was next to her, and took out a black leather journal. It looked slightly worn and well used. She took the pencil that was strapped to the cover of the book and flipped to a blank page. She looked at the valley periodically as she started to sketch it.

About an hour went by as she lost herself in the sketch. Using the pad of her finger to blend the graphite against the paper here and there. There was howling from the Judges below as they chased after something. She didn't see or care what it was they were pursuing. As long as it wasn't her or near her. She did hear something growling near by and looked over to see Pumpkin snarling at something behind them. Natalie looked in the direction the Judge was looking at and reached for her handgun. She quickly put her things away as she took it out and got to her feet. She then slung her backpack over her shoulder as she carefully approached whatever Pumpkin was looking at. With the gun in front of her, she cautiously moved forward. She looked around, seeing nothing but saw Pumpkin dash towards the bushes and saw a snake slither away. She lowered the gun and put it away but only after seeing a menacing dark figure leaning against a tree nearby. She froze for a moment before realizing who it was, the red mangy hair and bloody clothes gave it away. As well as the angry Judge that loomed next to him.

"Cain." She said, looking at him. He never really showed up unless something happened... or Jacob needed something. Even to the people in Eden's Gate, Cain's presence was always a wary one. You never knew what to expect.

"He's worried." Cain said, his voice sounding hoarse as it usually did. He sounded tired but she knew that asking would lead to nowhere. He never really socialized much with the people in the Project unless he had to. There were sinners to find or something to that effect. She never knew what it was he was up to aside from the rumors she heard. 

"I'm just on a hike." She replied.

"Then you tell him that." He said as he walked towards her in a few quick steps. He handed a radio to her. "He's on the other end and you can keep it."

She watched as he simply disappeared with his Judge. For a man that was incredibly tall and easy to spot in a crowd, he knew how to blend in and make himself scarce. It surprised her how well he was able to come and go without anyone noticing. Then again, he wouldn't be so intimidating if he wasn't able to do that -- even for a Chosen. Natalie felt Pumpkin nudging her leg and looked down to smile at her. She rubbed her head as she looked at the radio. She decided to bite the bullet, there really was no point in putting it off.

"Boss?" She asked into the radio. "You needed something?"

_"Where are you?"_ Jacob's gruff voice reverberated through the speaker. Whether it was genuine concern or just his own curiosity, it really didn't matter to her. The question had its own meaning and the affection in it warmed her a little.

"I'm just trying to clear my head." She replied. There wasn't a reply for a few minutes. Just a long silence that made her shift with unease. Maybe he was actually concerned? "I'll be back in a couple days, I..." She trailed off, trying to figure out what she was trying to say.

_"Be careful."_ He said. _"Or Cain'll find you again."_

That was as much of a threat as it was just him being him. Although, if he was concerned about her, Natalie knew he would've been here instead of Cain. Either way, she got the hint that was all he had to say for now. She slipped the radio onto her belt and continued onwards. The sky went from a light blue to an orangey hue. She had found a place to set up for camp and started gathering some stray twigs, branches, and whatever else she could find. She pulled out a lighter, after she finished her chore, and watched as the flames flickered into existence. Slowly rising to life as it inhaled the oxygen around them. The fire licked at the branches, twigs, and leaves she gathered. Even watching as the sprawling arms on one of the bigger branches was soon consumed by the fire's hunger. She tossed a few more pieces of firewood into the fire as she sat back on the ground. She looked around her again only to see the ghost idling close by.

Natalie stared at her for a moment, not quite sure what to do. She could simply ignore her like she had been all day. Although, she knew it would only deny the inevitable. The nightmare she had the night before was only the most recent in the past few weeks. Same dream, same person, and the same everything. She sighed, snapping one of the twigs from a branch. 

"Why are you here?" She asked the ghost. There was never going to be an answer. Every time she asked, it always gave her the same response. Just a quiet stare following an uncomfortable silence.

_'Guilt is a powerful thing.'_ She heard The Father's voice clear as day in her head. _'It tells us that we've sinned or that something is amiss; clearly. But the longer it festers, the longer you are in pain. And a soul in pain, is a soul in need of help.'_ She hated hearing his sermons sometimes, as they felt like it was just him hearing himself talk but other times they made some sense. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Was that was the ghost was: her guilt? It wouldn't be entirely off or unthinkable. The ghost had been an actual person once but she was long gone. Even if there was actual justice to be served, there wasn't a point to it. It wouldn't bring her back, it wouldn't stop the pain Natalie felt, it certainly wouldn't bring back that innocence and peace of mind either. All of it was unobtainable and gone. Robbed, taken, exalted, and whatever adjectives anyone wanted to use to describe what had happened.

Natalie continued to stare at the ghost, she didn't want to sleep tonight. There would be another nightmare and she'd be running away from it again. She could hear a song in the distance but didn't pay any attention to it. She looked at the fire, deciding to ignore the ghost for a while longer. The sky was blanketed by darkness and soon it enraptured the rest of the county in it. The stars glittered to life as the moon rose to replace where the sun had been. Even with its surface shining only half of it, the moon still provided enough light to whoever might need it. Natalie assumed she might need it tonight.

She grabbed a few things from her bag. Her gun and a knife, making sure both were fastened to her belt and easy for her to access. She left her tent and whistled. She looked around until Pumpkin appeared. She greeted the wolf and told her to sit, to wait for her at the camp while she was gone. The good thing about having a Judge around was that no one was willing to bother them. At least she wouldn't have to worry about anything taking her stuff if Pumpkin was around.

"I'll be back." She said to Pumpkin as she started to walk away.

These camping trips were Natalie's way to recollect herself or to get away from whatever was bothering her. Which was hard to do if she was being haunted by a ghost. Regardless, she had an inkling of an idea in how to deal with it but it was only a temporary salve. Something to soothe her guilt for the moment. She was going to go to the ghost's grave tomorrow, something she made after Natalie had killed her. It was the least she could've done, right? It felt pointless because every time the ghost appeared, Natalie felt that much weaker. She couldn't show weakness because the weak had no place among the strong -- those that proved themselves. She had completed her trials and proven her worth, she was strong.

Laughter nearby interrupted her thoughts. She saw a couple of men walking by, Chosen from the smell. It was hard to make out their appearances but she could see the white cross of Eden's Gate on their dark sleeves. They waved at her and she returned the gesture. She watched them until they disappeared, not sure or caring as to where they were going. She simply continued her hike upwards. Reaching a cabin about an hour later. It was empty, had been for months. The original owners had a bad run in with some Chosen and were killed. She wasn't sure about the specifics, just that it was used as an outpost by Jacob's men. To get some sleep, rest their feet, or whatever they needed to do to chill out for a bit. It was always stocked in case someone needed it. Natalie opened the door, closed it and walked towards the table. There was a gas lantern sitting on the table. So she turned it on and waited for a moment.

"So, what do I need to do to make sure you go away?" She asked. Her eyes flickered around the room before seeing the ghost again. "Well, Amelia? What do I need to do?" Silence echoed between them but it only fed Natalie's growing irritation at the moment. She balled her fists to try and stem it.

"Haunting me is all you got?" She scoffed. "You're gonna have to do better than that." Again, her response was met with silence. Natalie couldn't honestly say she remembered what Amelia's voice sounded like... although that was a lie. She knew it the moment she thought it. Was she hoping to just hear it so she could feel slightly better? What would that even accomplish? Amelia would only continue to persist and her guilt would eventually eat her up.

However, she couldn't simply forget Amelia either. They were best friends once and Eden's Gate had messed with their heads too. She remembered how enraptured Amelia was with John, which Natalie found slightly disgusting. Considering he had broken them down and rebuilt them in a more suitable mold for him to construct. Although, remembering how happy she was about seeing him and even talking about him made her ease up on her anger. Amelia was one of the closest people she had but after undergoing her trials...

Natalie's fist connected with the table. A loud thud reverberating through both the room and her arm. A numbing pain stung her skin. She just felt so mad all of a sudden. It just seemed so one-sided, this whole damn thing. Had they not bothered helping those Peggies with directions or whatever they "needed", then maybe they would've been in a different place. Or if Natalie had the willpower to overcome her innate desire to kill, then Amelia would still be alive. Though, she didn't think that was possible anyways. Not with how Jacob rewired all his "chosen" at least. She knew what the Chosen really were, foot soldiers, cannon fodder, and pawns. Their only purpose was to serve The Father and help provide a safe place in the journey to Eden and through The Collapse. Pawns... was that what _she_ was? The idea was pushed away nearly immediately, Natalie knew better. This wasn't a game, it was her life.

She needed a way to settle with her guilt towards Amelia without letting anyone know. She couldn't let the others from Eden's Gate know she was feeling weak. There'd be no going back and she'd find out if those rumors about Cain were true. She looked up at Amelia's ghost and sighed. Natalie didn't know what to do to resolve this conflict. She held her face in the palms of her hands for a moment, trying to think of a solution. Nothing came to mind. An hour passed, then two. Soon it was morning again. She got to her feet and walked out of the cabin after she turned off the lantern. She made her way back to the camp she made and saw Pumpkin sleeping soundly near the remnants of the fire. It was just charcoal and dust but the charred marks on the ground were evidence that it had once lived.

She crawled into her tent and gathered her things. Tearing down it down and packing it away. She relit the fire, watching as the flames kicked to life for a moment as she opened a can and placed it near the fire. As it heated up, she finished getting ready to leave. Pumpkin was already walking around and had disappeared to find something to eat, or so Natalie presumed. By the time she was done packing, she checked to see if her breakfast was ready and was rewarded with a sharp sting of pain from the warm can. She put the fire out as she waited for her food to cool off a bit and dug in. After she ate, she put the can in a bag and stashed it away in her backpack as she set off once again.

Half the day went by before Natalie reached her destination. She walked towards a small clearing that had a large rock leaning against a tree. A backpack was trapped against it, but only the straps. Wilted flowers were resting on the ground so she leaned down to pick them up, tossing them to the side. She placed a few fresh flowers where the previous ones had laid. She had grabbed them on her way here and had been fiddling with the stems the closer she was to the grave. She rested her weight on one knee and looked at the large stone. There were scratches carved into it, white lines crudely drawn to form a name, "Amelia". She wasn't sure if anyone came across it or not but supposed not. It was out of the way and it was unlikely for anyone to "happen" to come across it. It was just her little secret, a place she used when she needed to get away. She reached for the backpack and took out a notepad in it. She took the pencil inside it and wrote down the date, March 12th. There were more dates above the recent entry and little notes under each of them. After she wrote the date, she added "I'm sorry" below it. Upon closer inspection, that's what was written under all the other entries as well. Natalie put the notepad away in the backpack and got to her feet. She sighed for a moment and then smiled.

"I'll see you next time." She said to the grave as she walked away.

It was night time by the time she got home. She spent the day walking through the woods and was glad to be home finally. She took a shower, heated some leftovers Emma had made for her a couple days before, and gave Pumpkin something to eat as well. When she was done, she reached for her phone, dialed the same number she called earlier, and waited as the ring tone sounded.

"Yes?" John asked over the phone, sounding a little enthused about his response.

"John, it's Natalie. I was hoping to catch Emma?" She said to him. She could hear someone giggling in the background and suddenly felt a little embarrassed that she was interrupting something. Though after hearing the sound of an airplane, she was slightly curious what was going on. Something to ask Emma later she supposed.

"Hold on." He said and heard him calling for Emma a second later. "She'll be right over." She heard the phone softly tap against a surface and waited until the receiver picked up again.

"Hey, everything good?" Emma asked.

"Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was gonna open up tomorrow." Natalie replied. "Sorry if I'm interrupting anything."

"Oh, that, it's nothing." Emma said. "And sure, I'll be coming in early tomorrow so I'll see you then. There was some things that I wasn't able to clean today before closing so I wanted to get a start on it."

"I can do it." Natalie insisted. "I don't mind it.

"A-all right." Emma agreed. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Oh, would it be all right if we talked a bit tomorrow morning?" Natalie asked, feeling a little overwhelmed. "I just want to take you up on your offer is all. There's been something bothering me so..."

"Yeah, we can talk about it tomorrow." Emma said. "Again, I'll see you then!"

Natalie hung up the phone and waited for a moment. She was wondering how tomorrow would go, her mind leaping to various conclusions and suppositions. Talking about feelings and all that wasn't something foreign to her. It's just since joining the Project, she hadn't had much of a chance to confide with anyone. Not that she couldn't or didn't, it was just easier to push the concerns aside was all. Though everything had it's breaking point.

She walked out of the kitchen and into her room, deciding to get some sleep instead of overthinking things. She slid under the covers and turned off the light on her nightstand. She looked at the corner of her room, the one closest to the door. Amelia wasn't there but who knew when she would pop up again. Maybe talking to Emma about it was a good idea? Ah, that's tomorrow's concern. Tonight, she was just looking forward to anything but that nightmare coming back to her again.


End file.
